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Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Trick or Treat?

This will be my third Halloween in this house, and I must say I'm totally out of the spirit of Halloween thanks to where I live. We have absolutely NO trick-or-treaters in the neighborhood. Not that I'm complaining, the social retard that I am. I don't really mind not answering the door every 2 minutes to give candy to kids who will just end up eating it all for lunch tomorrow. I'm sure school nurses everywhere dread November 1st.

I suppose the lack of trick-or-treaters is due to the fact that we have not 1 but 2 sex offenders on my street...double whammy. This place just keeps getting better and better.

So now I sit here on my sounds at all, just me typing away on my computer. When did I get so boring and lose all childish enthusiasm for Halloween? Oh well. There's still Christmas. I think I'll be putting up my tree next weekend. It's obviously not too early. Stores have had their trees up for weeks!

Monday, October 29, 2007

I have no soul

So my husband and I have these rental houses. Don't think we're rolling in it, we're probably the poorest people I know.

Anyhoo, there's this one house in particular that I think is cursed...or maybe it's just our choice of tenant. I'm sure she's a nice lady (I've never met her personally), but she's what our real estate mentor likes to call a purple martian. A purple martian is someone who wants to rent your property but has really crappy credit and a bad rental history. Oh, goody. How did we miss this one?

Long story short, she hasn't paid her rent since like July...this is not good. I even went to court last week and won the case. Now what? you say? It's time for forcible eviction. She's been emailing my husband back and forth trying to win us over with her sob stories and bad grammar. I'm a pretty sympathetic person, but three months is long enough lady!

I suppose being a teacher has hardened me. People will do almost anything to get what they want. Or it's just that I have no soul.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Have a happy period.

Okay, this was so funny I actually laughed out easy feat when you're by yourself. Thanks D for sending this. I find it ironic that you haven't had a period in like 9 months...funny to me! Anyhoo, for your reading pleasure...


Not sure if this is real... but it's undoubtedly hilarious!!!This is (supposedly) an actual letter sent to American company ProctorandGamble regarding their feminine products.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your "Always" maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core orDri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsadancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxipads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from"the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbillywithknife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about thebloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense moodswings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a GeorgeForeman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to thereason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a HappyPeriod."

Are you fu*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tinymiddle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentionedabove sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?

FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never beanything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't marchdown to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap amoronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong", or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss yourFlex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh*t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX


Thursday, October 11, 2007

Tis the Season

Well, apparently for Garden Ridge and Wal-Mart it is! And they've put me in the spirit. I went to Wal-Mart about a week ago and found to my surprise, Christmas isle gone up in the blink of an eye! I was just there not 2 days prior and it was just garden supplies, now bam! MERRY CHRISTMAS! I suppose they heard about the Garden Ridge next door and decided it was time. Now that place is a winter wonderland! This is the only store I've ever seen with Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas decorations all at the same time! I could care less about Halloween now, I've been bitten by the Christmas bug. As I sit here and type I'm listening to a compilation Christmas CD (thanks Cat!). Hey, I'd put the Christmas lights up tomorrow if DH didn't think I was already crazy for humming Jingle Bells all the time. :) Happy Holidays!

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Sushi and Ice Cream

This is what I have eaten today. And no, I'm not pregnant. I just thought I'd start writing down what I eat since that's what you're suppose to do when you want to lose weight. I don't think that's going to happen with me eating sushi and ice cream. Oh sure, I've had some water too (I'm not completely crazy), but the sushi and ice cream part kind of threw me for a loop. "You like sushi" you ask? Well I guess so! Who knew! I truly did not realize what I had eaten today until I saw it on paper...sure enough...sushi, ice cream, and 2 bottles of water so far. Strange, very strange...

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Every day's a new adventure in the trailor park!

I love my neighborhood. It provides so much entertainment to us every day that it's well worth living in white trash central. Where there's a sea of mobile homes, there's drama. We've really gotten to enjoy our neighbors to our left, but only recently have we begun hearing the drama two houses down. I guess they're just feeling the need to keep up with the Jones'. You know it's gonna be good when you can hear the screaming from 100 yards away. Let's listen in...

WT psycho lady: I'm *#cking leaving this place, you *#cking @** hole! You can kiss my @**!!!
WT drunk guy: Fine then, leave you stupid b----! I don't *#cking need you here! You can just walk your *#cking fat @** home!

Note - WT cannot have an arguement without cursing at least once in a sentence. Preferrably every other word. This has a more dramatic effect.

WT psycho lady: Who are you calling fat @**, you sorry son of a b----?!
WT drunk guy: --slams the door--

This was on the verge of being a great fight. I guess drunk guy was just too drunk to think of anything more...too bad. I was really looking forward to it.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Sometimes I hate being a woman.

About 5 days out of every month. These 5 days EVERY month feel more like a curse than a blessing. Why does this have to happen to us? Are we being punished for something? Come on girls...have you ever really thought about it? Unless you're one of the lucky ones, we get to use the facilities twice as much as normal, put up with serious mood swings, headaches, nausea, CRAMPING, and the really great part, the icky mess. It's just amazing we have to go through this HUNDREDS of times in our lifetime. I don't really care if a man reads this and thinks it's TMI...just be thanking your lucky stars YOU don't have to go through this emotional roller coaster every month!

Now I feel better...time for my daily dose of ice cream...

Monday, October 1, 2007

What is so hard about teaching?

Well I'll tell you. This is a conversation I had with some kids today.

Me: Okay everyone let's start at the Coda., two...
Sweet trumpet kid: Wait! What's a Coda?
Me: It's that symbol in measure 53 with the word Coda next to it.
Sweet trumpte kid: Oh, okay.
Me: Alright here we go. One, two, ready, go.

All brass plays...sounds like crap.

Me: Okay, is everyone AT the Coda?
Strange trombone kid: What do you mean by the Coda?
Me: (sigh) Here, let me show it to you on the board. (I then proceed to write the symbol on the board). Are there any questions?


Me: Alright, let's try this again. At the Coda. One, two, ready, go.

Clueless french horn girl not even playing.

Me: French horns, do you know where we are?
Clueless: What's a Coda?

I love my job...I love my job...I love my job...