Oh, they're at it again

That's right people...WT are out with a vengence! Last night was the best one yet. I thought I'd turn out the light and snuggle up in my heated blanket and watch the show from the comfort of my bet. Unfortunately the space heater was on, and it was cold outside, so the windows were foggy...just my luck. But no worries, they were loud enough for all to hear.

The two women came out in a drunken rage screaming obsenities to each other that I dare not repeat. But in the white trash language, the "F" word is inserted before each noun AND verb. These two women happen to be sisters, and one was kicking the other one out of the house. I'm pretty sure it was crack pipe sister being kicked out. Well, after about 15 minutes of nonstop yelling, crack pipe sister started walking away...she'd apparently had enough. I thought my show was over. Drunk sister then began to wail for crack pipe sister to come back. What the....
One minutes she's kicking her out, the next she's crying for her to come back. I just don't get these WT neighbors of mine. I tried to wipe away the condensation off my window to get a better look, but by then the show was over.

I don't know if crack pipe ever came back...I'm sure she did, she wasn't wearing much when she left. I suppose that's what crack does to you though. Until the next episode...

I have what?

For those of you who didn't know, I'll go ahead and let the cat out of the bag...I'm ready to start a family. There, I've said it...now stop asking. After a year of trying, I finally thought it best to see my Doctor and find out what's up. Well let me tell you I wasn't expecting what I was told. Luckily my nurse use to work for a fertility specialist, and knew my symptoms well. She told me I had a high level of testosterone and I'm anovulatory (not ovulating). Among all my other unmentionable symptoms, I was told I had polycystic ovarian syndrome or PCOS. "What is this" you ask? Well, I'm still trying to figure it out for myself.

So now I'm on medication that I'm not sure exactly what it's for, and I'll go back in a week to have all my questions answered.

Have you ever tried to put something complicated together without any instructions? This is how I feel at the moment. But I feel a little better knowing I'll have my instructions next week. Let's hope they're not complicated. :o)

Turkey week

I don't think any of us had turkey last week. I believe our Thanksgiving meal was Chinese food. It was like A Christmas Story moment....except it was Thanksgiving....and on a boat.

But we did have a fun-filled week. We went to places like Roatan, Honduras...

And Santo Tomas, Guatemala...

I wish I could say these were great places to visit, but I would be lying. But it didn't really matter...got to hang out with the family for a week.

Good times, good times...

Shut up already!

I've been wondering how far I can actually go before I get fired from my long term sub job. I have a feeling it's going to take a heckofalot to do so. They're short on subs already...I doubt they'll care about the crap I say. Right now I teach PE. I use the term "teach" lightly. I get to see every kid in the school, every day...lucky me. And these aren't the sweet little children I use to teach. I think they were all spawned from Satan himself.

They're rude, crude, and have bad attitudes. This makes me almost want to go back to my nice, safe classroom I once had...almost.

Trick or Treat?

This will be my third Halloween in this house, and I must say I'm totally out of the spirit of Halloween thanks to where I live. We have absolutely NO trick-or-treaters in the neighborhood. Not that I'm complaining, the social retard that I am. I don't really mind not answering the door every 2 minutes to give candy to kids who will just end up eating it all for lunch tomorrow. I'm sure school nurses everywhere dread November 1st.

I suppose the lack of trick-or-treaters is due to the fact that we have not 1 but 2 sex offenders on my street...double whammy. This place just keeps getting better and better.

So now I sit here on my couch...no TV...no sounds at all, just me typing away on my computer. When did I get so boring and lose all childish enthusiasm for Halloween? Oh well. There's still Christmas. I think I'll be putting up my tree next weekend. It's obviously not too early. Stores have had their trees up for weeks!

I have no soul

So my husband and I have these rental houses. Don't think we're rolling in it, we're probably the poorest people I know.

Anyhoo, there's this one house in particular that I think is cursed...or maybe it's just our choice of tenant. I'm sure she's a nice lady (I've never met her personally), but she's what our real estate mentor likes to call a purple martian. A purple martian is someone who wants to rent your property but has really crappy credit and a bad rental history. Oh, goody. How did we miss this one?

Long story short, she hasn't paid her rent since like July...this is not good. I even went to court last week and won the case. Now what? you say? It's time for forcible eviction. She's been emailing my husband back and forth trying to win us over with her sob stories and bad grammar. I'm a pretty sympathetic person, but three months is long enough lady!

I suppose being a teacher has hardened me. People will do almost anything to get what they want. Or it's just that I have no soul.

Have a happy period.

Okay, this was so funny I actually laughed out loud...no easy feat when you're by yourself. Thanks D for sending this. I find it ironic that you haven't had a period in like 9 months...funny to me! Anyhoo, for your reading pleasure...

_________________________________________________________________

Not sure if this is real... but it's undoubtedly hilarious!!!This is (supposedly) an actual letter sent to American company ProctorandGamble regarding their feminine products.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your "Always" maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core orDri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsadancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxipads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from"the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbillywithknife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about thebloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense moodswings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a GeorgeForeman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to thereason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a HappyPeriod."

Are you fu*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tinymiddle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentionedabove sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?

FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never beanything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't marchdown to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap amoronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong", or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss yourFlex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh*t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX
_______________________________

Classic...

Tis the Season

Well, apparently for Garden Ridge and Wal-Mart it is! And they've put me in the spirit. I went to Wal-Mart about a week ago and found to my surprise, Christmas isle gone up in the blink of an eye! I was just there not 2 days prior and it was just garden supplies, now bam! MERRY CHRISTMAS! I suppose they heard about the Garden Ridge next door and decided it was time. Now that place is a winter wonderland! This is the only store I've ever seen with Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas decorations all at the same time! I could care less about Halloween now, I've been bitten by the Christmas bug. As I sit here and type I'm listening to a compilation Christmas CD (thanks Cat!). Hey, I'd put the Christmas lights up tomorrow if DH didn't think I was already crazy for humming Jingle Bells all the time. :) Happy Holidays!

Sushi and Ice Cream

This is what I have eaten today. And no, I'm not pregnant. I just thought I'd start writing down what I eat since that's what you're suppose to do when you want to lose weight. I don't think that's going to happen with me eating sushi and ice cream. Oh sure, I've had some water too (I'm not completely crazy), but the sushi and ice cream part kind of threw me for a loop. "You like sushi" you ask? Well I guess so! Who knew! I truly did not realize what I had eaten today until I saw it on paper...sure enough...sushi, ice cream, and 2 bottles of water so far. Strange, very strange...

Every day's a new adventure in the trailor park!

I love my neighborhood. It provides so much entertainment to us every day that it's well worth living in white trash central. Where there's a sea of mobile homes, there's drama. We've really gotten to enjoy our neighbors to our left, but only recently have we begun hearing the drama two houses down. I guess they're just feeling the need to keep up with the Jones'. You know it's gonna be good when you can hear the screaming from 100 yards away. Let's listen in...

WT psycho lady: I'm *#cking leaving this place, you *#cking @** hole! You can kiss my @**!!!
WT drunk guy: Fine then, leave you stupid b----! I don't *#cking need you here! You can just walk your *#cking fat @** home!

Note - WT cannot have an arguement without cursing at least once in a sentence. Preferrably every other word. This has a more dramatic effect.

WT psycho lady: Who are you calling fat @**, you sorry son of a b----?!
WT drunk guy: --slams the door--

This was on the verge of being a great fight. I guess drunk guy was just too drunk to think of anything more...too bad. I was really looking forward to it.

Sometimes I hate being a woman.

About 5 days out of every month. These 5 days EVERY month feel more like a curse than a blessing. Why does this have to happen to us? Are we being punished for something? Come on girls...have you ever really thought about it? Unless you're one of the lucky ones, we get to use the facilities twice as much as normal, put up with serious mood swings, headaches, nausea, CRAMPING, and the really great part, the icky mess. It's just amazing we have to go through this HUNDREDS of times in our lifetime. I don't really care if a man reads this and thinks it's TMI...just be thanking your lucky stars YOU don't have to go through this emotional roller coaster every month!

Now I feel better...time for my daily dose of ice cream...

What is so hard about teaching?

Well I'll tell you. This is a conversation I had with some kids today.

Me: Okay everyone let's start at the Coda. Ready....one, two...
Sweet trumpet kid: Wait! What's a Coda?
Me: It's that symbol in measure 53 with the word Coda next to it.
Sweet trumpte kid: Oh, okay.
Me: Alright here we go. One, two, ready, go.

All brass plays...sounds like crap.

Me: Okay, is everyone AT the Coda?
Strange trombone kid: What do you mean by the Coda?
Me: (sigh) Here, let me show it to you on the board. (I then proceed to write the symbol on the board). Are there any questions?

...crickets...

Me: Alright, let's try this again. At the Coda. One, two, ready, go.

Clueless french horn girl not even playing.

Me: French horns, do you know where we are?
Clueless: What's a Coda?

I love my job...I love my job...I love my job...

Kids lie...part 2

This is completely amazing to me. You see a kid blatantly stick up his middle finger at another kid...twice! When the kid is confronted about it he lies to you face! "It wasn't me", he says. What do you mean it wasn't you?! Do I perhaps just tell lies about my students to get them in trouble? Sometimes the idea strikes my fancy, but not likely. Kids these days.

You sit on a throne of lies!

Kids lie. I know it's hard to believe, but they really do. I guess they figure if as long as it doesn't hurt anyone they're in the clear. WRONG! We had a kid caught in the act today when his dad emailed us. Kid gets dropped off at school early every day (apparently) to be tutored by us. We have not seen this child, therefore, he lies. It's a common occurance and probably happens every day in our profession. I know, I'm just as shocked as you.

This is it?

I have a routine. This is what I've become.

6:30 am - hit the snooze button 4 times every morning.
7:00 am - mad dash to get ready
8:00 am - arrive at school
8:00-4:00 pm - wonder what's become of me.
4:01 pm - out the door

This is where it gets fun...

4:30 - 5:00 pm - coma time.
5:00 - 5:20 pm - work out or just think about working out.
5:30 - 6:00 pm - shower time and more coma time.
6:00 - 6:30 pm - dinner
6:30 til I can no longer keep my eyes open - Studying.

I am an exciting, exciting person. I know, contain your envy for me.

Since when have I been old!?

I am a grown up...I am a grown up. I woke up this morning and realized this, and I wasn't really happy about it. When did this happen? My 30's are quickly approaching...where the hell did my 20's go?! Weren't they suppose to be the best times of my life? And I have nothing to show for it.

Since when did I start drinking Starbucks for breakfast and having Slim Fast for lunch? I must be a grown up now. The fact that I can now afford candy but don't buy it suggests that I'm an adult. I have a car and yet I don't want to wasted the gas going joy riding. I would rather stay in with a good book than go to a party. My favorite store has become Barnes and Noble. I get excited about grass (not the kind you smoke). I clip coupons. I go to baby showers instead of bridal showers.

I am a grown up...I am a grown up...

I wish I could say I cared, but I don't

Kids are silly. This is not limited to the kids I teach. I've never had the pleasure of teaching high school, but I'm sure it's a lot like Jr. High, just much taller (and in their eyes much cooler). Elementary was by far my worst nightmare. And since I don't work there anymore I can talk all I want about what I experienced. Sometimes random stories just pop in my head from the year past and I don't know weather to feel sick, cry, or giggle. I know one feeling I have is relief from being out of that small hell. Talk about delusions of grandeur!

Our crazy neighbors

Our neighbors bring so much drama to our boring lives. I never really knew just how important gas prices really were until my white trash neighbors started screaming about it last night. Every night I lay in bed reading until I can no longer keep my eyes open. Most nights the drama goes on and on! I can hardly contain my delight as I close my book and let the games begin. Oh, they argue about everything...and sometimes it's not even arguing, just yelling how they feel. I wish I could video it...awesome youtube action! It's like the show Cops outside my window, except no cops involved...just the crazies. I'll have to keep a journal by my bed so I can keep track of all the crazy things they scream about.

My dog

My dog is so funny. He's a little 15 pound Cairn terrier who is eternally happy. Every time I walk in the door he greets me with a smile (as well as dogs can smile), a lot of licks, and can jump as high as my head. I kid you not, it's a little unnatural how high he can jump. But I still love him, he makes me happy. Even when I come home to find that little present he left me in the hallway, I still love him. Now the cats, they do not love him. He has single handedly (or single pawdly) destroyed their world as they know it. We've had Toby (the dog) since early June, but I don't think there will ever be harmony again. Good thing the felines no longer have their claws...that might be messy. But Toby takes it like a man. Sometimes they deserve a little chase, and he'll surely give it to them. I suppose it's good exercise for them. They really are fat.

I love food

I'm a big girl who loves food. I'll admit it...I'm a chucky monkey who loves to partake in a meal. There's no question here as to why I look the way I do. I made myself this way! It was nobodys fault but my own. That being said...

One of my favorite things to do is go grocery shopping. I may have said sometime in the past that I loathed it, but secretly I love it. It's like a playground for my tummy! Going down every single isle gives me pleasure. I think my husband hates going shopping with me because I take my sweet lil time. You can't rush shopping. It's a skill that one must master in order to save the most money. But I'm drifting...getting back to my love of food...

I made french toast for dinner...mmm. Who knew that soaking bread in milk and egg and throwing it in a pan would be yummy goodness! I could eat breakfast for every meal...sometimes I do.

I've had my dinner, and now I'm happy. Too bad hubby wasn't home to partake!

Do you ever get that feeling...

that you just can't catch up? Some alien invader has taken over my body, I think. My brain just can't keep focused on one thing at a time! I can't finish the dishes, I can't finish the laundry, I can't finish studying...I can't finish ANYTHING! Sometimes I forget to wash my hair. I don't know why, I just do. This morning I forgot to feed my dog...I'm a bad mommy, I know.

Advise at this time would be good.

I'm a coupon whore

I'm that person everyone hates being behind in the grocery checkout line. That's right, I've got a pile of coupons, and I'm not afraid to use them! And it's only gotten worse since I joined the Grocery Game. It's like the coolest thing ever for us coupon whores...who knew the store could be so much fun! I can get online and check my grocery store every weekend and see what's on sale and what coupons are in the paper (and by the way, I can combine the two). It really is a beautiful thing. When your life is lame like mine, it's the little things that make you happy. :)

Romance anyone?

I absolutely LOVE romance novels! There's nothing like a devlilishly handsome, very tall, very muscular, very..."proportioned" man being attracted to the every day woman. Hey, it could happen! Ok, so maybe not. But us plain looking girls need lovin' too! I'm a big advocate of soft porn being sold at our local Barnes and Noble.

I find it funny and slightly ironic that the Romance section is right next to the Fantasy and Fiction sections. Is someone trying to tell us something? I also love not only scouting the new titles in my sacred section, but seeing who else shares my love for this most excellent genre! People watching in this isle is only second to Science Fiction. As I pretend to scan the books, I look around and smile at all the wonderfully ordinary women who share my love...then I see a gorgeous woman with a Starbucks in hand headed to Fiction and think "bitch". She can have her size 4 ass and her Starbucks...I'll just buy a new book to make everything right again.

Hell, who needs a Self Help section when we have Romance.